


Courage

by turva_auto



Series: Formula 1 [7]
Category: Formula 1 RPF, Rush (2013)
Genre: Domestic Violence, M/M, appartment au, complete Alternative Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-03-18 00:07:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3548696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/pseuds/turva_auto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the long awaited Appartment AU I was talking about on tumblr for months now. Let yourself be lead to an alternative universe where no one is related to Formula 1 and not everything is what it seems like in the first place when you struggle to look through frozen windows.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is the long awaited Appartment AU I was talking about on tumblr for months now. I actually struggled to start writing it, despite it all been planned out in my head.  
> I won't announce any relations yet, but will update the description as the story continues. For now I only added the main characters that will be present in the story. So I finally let you off the hook and I hope you enjoy the prologue and will leave me some feedback whether I should carry on or not.  
> Sincerely your very insecure author.
> 
> Special thanks to everybody who helped me through all my struggles that already occurred or will occur in the future. Thanks for talking reason with me.

**courage [** **noun]** _the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery._

 

„ _Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.“ (Mark Twain)_

 

* * *

 

 

**Ilta Sanomat**

**Julkaistu: keskiviikko, 14.3.2011**

_**Helsingin Ruoholahti, district Länsisatama** _

 

Yesterday shortly before 4 p.m. Helsingin police were called in immediately to the Ferrari dealership at Itämerenkatu 21 as gun shots were reported following the showroom alarm. By the time they investigated no further information was available and left the force to face the unknown.

Upon entering the building the crime had already taken place but the police could get a hold of one of the people in question and managed to arrest him for further questioning taking place this morning.

From the information available 4 masked robbers entered the showroom shortly before the alarm was set with raised guns and tried to take hostage of the two factory salesman that were working their shift, including 5 customers that were present at that moment.

One witness managed to escape before the four culprits in question could notice and called the station right ahead.

From reports given, the salesman both at young age weren't supposed to fullfill the demand at hand and an argument erupted upon their obvious refusal to hand over the demanded amount of money. Despite them pointing out that neither one of them would be able to open the strong room without the code that was only told to the headmaster, who was absent by the time the robbery took place, the culprits pushed the matter forcing one of the young men behind the reception desk with a gun pressed against his temple, who managed to distract their opponents long enough for his colleague Kimi R. to press the alarm button.

When the flash light outside the shop indicated the running silent alarm, chaos took over the scenery and guns were fired as the robbers tried to escape. During the shooting one of the men in question obviously acted rather violent a witness told Ilta Sanomat.

 

Kimi R. was reported to be found shot near the alarm button in an immense puddle of blood, obviously attacked for his courage to help his frightened colleague.

 

  * _„He aimed his weapon straight at the young man's head, screaming abuse at him, when the shot went off. I seriously thought he was dead!“_



 

The ambulance on scene managed to rescue the young man's life, as he was air lifted to Helsinki Central hospital with life threatening injuries caused in the gunfight.

Upon request this morning, he was reported to be taken into ICU care where the doctors are trying their best to keep him alive. The parent's of Kimi R. refused to release any further information about their son's condition at present and Ferrari's chairmen denied any official statement while the robbery is still under investigation.

 

We hope that the young men is going to make a full recovery and will keep you updated on the case.

 

 


	2. Opened doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone new is moving in

Niki awoke to the smell of coffee and the sun shining, gently lightening the room up. He listened out to the noises of the house sighing as his brain went into gear, putting back together the facts that had held him awake for a while during the night, as he listened to James clatter in the kitchen.

Today was the day. The day he had feared since they had taken Kimi into their care.

He stretched and got dressed, wondering if he could survive today without crying. For the past 25 years Kimi had always been with them and today this would change. Niki sighed, toddling down the stairs to join his husband who sat at the kitchen table nursing a cigarette and a mug of coffee.

„Good morning Liebling.“ Niki whispered, placing a kiss on James cheek, before getting himself a cup of the brown devilish liquid that would kick his ass into full power.

„Morning my love.“ James smiled, his gaze wandering out of the window into the snow laid garden.

„Kimi is not awake yet?“ Niki asked, taking a sip as he caught a glimpse of the kitchen clock.

James laughed softly as he shook his head.

„No, he never was that much of a morning person anyway.“ James chuckled.

„I know I just feel bad about kicking him out of bed for the last time.“ Niki sighed. James patted his husband's shoulder.

„I know it's hard to let go after all that happened, but we both know it will be for the better of him. The new surroundings will hopefully help him get a grip n things.“

„I wish it will.“ Niki muttered sharing a meaningful look with the love of his life.

„After all we should be glad Ferrari is giving him a second chance after that entire disaster and it's consequences. You know they could have easily sacked him.“ James thought out loud, flinching at his own words. It had been mad 8 months full of worry, angst and hope for their entire family.

„I know. I know.“ Niki sighed. „I'm just glad he made it through alive and letting him go, feels like seeing him die once again.“ Niki sniffled, hesitantly drying his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper as James pulled him into a soothing hug.

„He's alive, he survived and these fuckers are locked up for the rest of their days that's all that matters.“ James mumbled into Niki's ear, knowing the Austrian needed the assurance of their safety more than anything. They didn't need to be afraid of someone with a gun showing up at their front door to finish their son off, the awful image nevertheless managed to stick with Niki even after everyone included in the robbery at Ferrari's Helsinki dealership was jailed. The head of the gang even sentenced for the rest of his life because he had been charged with attempted murder.

„Come on my love, go and wake him up, we have a flight to catch and a car from the airport. There still are so many things to do today.“ James soothed, kissing Niki on the cheek.

With a small smile Niki hauled himself to his feet to get upstairs to wake their son. In all these years Kimi always managed to oversleep his alarm clock but for once Niki stopped dead at the end of the hallway in surprise, seeing Kimi sleepily toddling down the stairs topless and only dressed in a pair of PJ bottoms, rubbing his eyes and yawning widely.

 

„Isä.“ Kimi croaked with a smile, hugging Niki close as he stopped in front of him. Niki held him, trying to express his love with a bit of pressure instead of words, knowing that Kimi ever since that day wasn't talking much. The hallway light was outlining the scar at his neck in almost fresh pink, even after all these month but Niki knew better then to comment on it.

„Are you up for breakfast Kimster before we head off?“ Niki asked as he slowly pulled away. His son nodded, grateful as always when his parents kept their questions short and precise with the option for Kimi to either nod or shake his head instead of speaking.

He wasn't mute but he lived like it for most of the time, because every word was an enormous effort for him and every longer conversation caused him pain, left along the scratchy sound his voice had after they removed 1 of his vocal cords to save as much as they could. Kimi pushed the thought away as he followed Niki through into the kitchen, where James was already nursing another cup of hot coffee and opened his arms for Kimi to hug him instead of wasting time to say Good Morning.

He didn't hesitate for a second, flinging his arms around James neck to hold onto him, the warmth radiating from his fathers body calming down his nerves that were threatening to take him over. Today was a very important day and he sill doubted whether or not his decision had been the best one, but the offer from his old boss wasn't one he wanted to let go to waste and maybe he would settle in easier then he thought he would.

Niki and James picked up a little chit chatter while Kimi helped himself to a sandwich and coffee.

„Do you have everything ready? Checked your luggage?“ Niki asked again as Kimi sorted his used plate into the dishwasher. His son nodded, moving his hands to signal him that he would take a shower and get dressed probably before they would leave.

„Just don't mess around for too long, we need to be at the airport in 2h time.“ James smiled, making Kimi laugh and flinch from the effort it took him. The doctors had told him the pain might pass in a couple of more weeks but it hadn't in the past month so his expectations weren't that high that he would count on it.

 

 

Kimi took his time to shower and got ready leaving his room for the last time with his luggage in hand. It felt strange to go somewhere else. He had lived here all his life since James and Niki took him in, he had spent his years of school sat at that wooden desk in front of the window and even his first few years during bachelor studies. He never planned to leave and neither James nor Niki ever forced him or urged him to go and get an own flat. They were happy with the things the way they were. Kimi could spent weeks without being disturbed if he wanted to and when Niki was still a pilot he often was away during the week anyway. Kimi grew up to be independent and on his own at a young age but he never complained. All these memories would stick to this room, while he closed the door and felt the handle drop from his hand.

He didn't like to admit it but he was slightly scared. Living at home had been easy, the fridge was never empty, his clothes always washed, there were no arguments about fees, loan or bills to pay and all this was about to change today.

Kimi gulped, feeling a lump crawling up his throat. He would miss Finland, he already did as he left with James and Niki, taking his seat in the car, to be taken to the airport. At least his parents had already set up most of the things and would help him move into his new apartment. Indeed they had supported him in every possible way and thanks to the fact that both were earning quite a lot, shopping for furniture hadn't even become an issue. James just asked Kimi to make a list of stuff he wanted, even if he wanted to order it online and he had done as requested. Kimi had no idea what everybody kept plotting about design, it had only taken him 2 evenings in front of the fire in the living room, perched on the sofa with his mac book and James advice to get everything sorted. There hadn't been big discussion's about highlights or curtains or colors, patterns. His expectations weren't anything above ordinary. The only thing Niki insisted on had been his bed. It was the same he got up in his old room, just the doubled bed version of it, with a mattress designed specially for his needs. Kimi avoided to think about the fortune that must have cost Niki, but no matter how much he insisted to pay for it himself, his dad's would insist to pay it for him. He hated to be spoiled.

Kimi sighed as they drove off, seeing the trees pass by the window as James guided the care up to Vantaa. They have been living quite far on the out skirt of town, where some summer cottages were hidden away so passing the ever busy city center made him uncomfortable.

Niki saw Kimi fidget in his seat, giving James a sign with his thumb to speed a bit above the limit. Since the robbery their son had almost become a total different person.

Before, Kimi was a chatty guy who never missed a party in Kallio or the chance to turn a karaoke bar into a wild mess. They actually had got used to hear their son returning home around 6 a.m. Heavily drunk and sometimes not alone either and never spoke a word about it.

Now it was hard to get Kimi to go out at all. He spent nights locked away in his room, studying or just passing time. Neither James or Niki asked what he was up to, for all that matters he could also have been sleeping for the amounts of time it took him to get out of bed at all.

James pulled the car up in the parking lot, sighing heavily.

„I'm afraid we need to hurry a bit to catch the flight, we are running late.“ Kimi just huffed and shuffled out of the backseat. He couldn't recall the last time he had been on the plane. It might have been all these month ago when he went on summer holiday to Spain with his friends. The airport still looked the same but Kimi didn't bother with getting nervous. He was already tired again, getting up early for sure was not his cup of tea.

As soon as they had run through all the check-in procedure, security checks and boarding systems, finally sitting in their seats, his eyes started to drop again.

Niki glances over to Kimi as the stewardess explained the usual necessities in case of emergency just to find his son fast asleep already.

„Just look at him, he hardly got out of bed 2 hours ago and is already asleep again.“ Niki mumbled with a small smile. James huffed a little laugh as Kimi's head dropped onto his shoulder just seconds after the remark.

„At least he will be drooling on my shoulder instead of yours sweetheart.“ James chuckled, patting Kimi's head who just scrunched up his nose in response.

 

 

Kimi managed to sleep through the entire flight to Switzerland, only waking up as the pilot announced the touch down and the stewardess asked for them to fasten their seat belts.

„Are we here yet?“ Kimi mumbled silently rubbing his neck just above the scar tissue.

„Yes.“ Niki and James smiled as they checked out and headed out to their rental car, taking the journey to the smaller village outside Zürich after Niki had made some calls.

„If we are on time, we should arrive with the rest of your furniture at the house.“ Niki joked, seeing James roll his eyes. Their son settled to just shrug it off.

„At least they have snow over here as well.“ James laughed watching the drizzle turning into snowflakes as they made their way to Baar just 35 minutes outside of Zürich. Kimi smiled following the snow with his eyes as it settled down into a white blanket. Maybe this place wouldn't be as bad.

“Kimster, please remember that you have this meeting with Mr. Button tomorrow at the factory.” Niki tutted as James pulled up in front of an appartment complex. Kimi nodded but was distracted by the view that unfolded in front of him. He had never bothered to ask what sort of flat Niki and James had gotten him. He was surprised to see a block with several floors, at least 8 until he stopped counting. It had the feeling of a student home to it, the car park almost deserted at that afternoon and a truck pulled up at the front as the family left the car.

“I told you, we arrive in time.” James chuckled as they approached the front door. Kimi stood by, trying to ignore the discussion in German flowing back and forth between Niki and the delivery men. He spoke German, enough to survive in this country and back at the factory everyone would natter away in English anyway but he already cursed under is breath in his native for not really have taken more time to study the language.

“Kimster, we can go up. Come on, the guys will follow with the last bits.” Kimi gave a small smile following James and Niki into the wooden lobby and to the elevators, almost bumping into a large blonde guy who was pretty pumped up.

“Anteeksi.” Kimi blurt out silently, his voice as raspy as ever.

“Ei se mitään.“ the guy said, blue eyes fixing Kimi who quickly looked away, stunned that someone would understand him, just in case that guy actually was living here.

„What did he say?“ James asked, who hadn't caught the entire exchange.

„He said: No problem.“ Niki translated. „Isn't it nice to have some Finn over here? Maybe you get to know each other.“ Niki thought out aloud, seeing Kimi frown. He wasn't aiming to make much friends. He was here to work and get himself back on track.

 


	3. missing home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this block is made out of paper

Kimi had a strange feeling as he entered his new home, but apart from that he couldn't pinpoint where it came from. The flat was delicate but ordinary, everything well furnished and the last bits were about to be taken in by the delivery men. It wasn't much more than a 2 room appartment but then again, he wasn't in the need of more room, if it was just himself.

Niki and James made sure everything was set and returned to Kimi the way he had packed it into the boxes at home 2 weeks ago as it was shipped off, before he finaly left his old parental home.

After a cup of coffee for James who had found time to actually set up the machine and get it running and Niki who had been out to get the first bits of shopping in, it was about time to say goodbye. It did hurt Kimi who'd seen them out of the flat, sharing long lasting hugs in the hallway as they went over to their hired car and back to the airport. He knew he could call home anytime night or day but then again here he was, facing the world on his own for the first time.

Kimi wasn't aware of a set of blue eyes watching him standing lost in the deserted car park, his gaze still fixed on the corner where James and Niki had turned down the next road. A heavy sigh left his lips as he spun around to go back in and get used to his new home, while the guy at the window stepped back to not be noticed.

 

* * *

 

 

Sebastian was a curious boy, too curious for his own good and Mark would punish him if he ever found out that he had been near the window in his absence. It was forbidden.

Sighing the young guy settled back on the sofa, checking the time. There still was 1 hour left before Mark would be back from his work at the airport. One more hour where he couldn't leave the house because the door was locked and he had no key. Not anymore to begin with.

“You have to earn yourself that right back. I don't even trust you for as far as I can spit!” Mark had tutted the night before and turned around, his back facing Sebastian. At least he didn't have to look at him that way, but it was little relief. Mark's features burned inside his head even if Mark wasn't present.

The Australian held the key to Sebastian's cage door and he made sure, Sebastian would never forget that little news.

The young guy scanned the room, before walking through the entire flat for a check up. He had spent most of the day cleaning and just wanted to make extra sure, nothing had been forgotten or was out of place. The tiniest thing could upset Mark and he needed to make sure he did as requested to keep his boyfriend in his good graces when he returned from his shift.

It was saturday, one of those saturday afternoon shifts and Mark's temper could easily be predicted. Mark hated afternoon shifts and more he hated working at the weekends even if it was a regular occurance every 2 weeks.

Sebastian rearranged the plates in the kitchen cupboard, picking up a bit of salt from the wooden working surface, that must have missed his wipe around with the cleaning towel.

“It's pointless.” he sighed. “He will find something to complain about if he wanted to, he always did.” He poured himself a glass of water as the phone rang. Sebastian jerked around to the sound of th beeping, spilling water across the kitchen counter and the floor.

“Fuck.” He realized too late, setting the bottle back on the counter and rushed into the living room to get the call.

The number of his grandmother from Germany was illuminated on the hand set and Seb sighed. He answered before it was about to connect to the answering machine. He didn't feel like talking at all but then again hearing the old recording from happier times stung more than every needle ever could.

“Hi granny.” Sebastian mumbled, trying to sound careless. He was hoping she wouldn't take too long to lecture him, because phone calls even if necessary weren't Mark's cup of tea either.

“Was about time you answered young lad! You never call back, you know that.” she argued before switching into a rant about the latest happenings back home. Seb tried to make interested noises, despite he felt like crying as he headed back into the kitchen with the phone clamped between his cheek and shoulder.

. He grabbed the tea towel and started to wipe away the spilled water, listening to his grandmother nattering away about the people of the village he grew up in and how his parent's were never home, since they'd spent most of their time across the world, showing his younger brother how to be an appropriate business man and successful at a young age and not turn into a fuck up like he had.

He'd never wanted to step into his fathers shoes, had been the rebel all throughout his teenage years, not missing a party, skipping school lessons and ran away on a regular basis until he had met Mark.

His granny never failed to re-activate those old memories, hurtful memories of a messed up childhood where he couldn't seem to fit in. And she didn't miss to lecture him for living far away with a guy she couldn't stand at all, because he wasn't German to begin with and wasn't looking after her boy the way he should. Sebastian knew she was right, deep down he knew but then again he loved Mark, he owed him.

“Seb are you even listening!” she raged at the phone as he had put the soaked tea towel away.

“Yes grandma. I'm doing good. Switzerland is nice.” he pressed out, the lies coming easily enough across his lips these days.

“How is your job?”

“Shitty they haven't paid me last month.” Seb said, even though he knew, he had barely survived one week before he was fired. He couldn't bring himself to admit this to his grandmother. It was too painful, Mark never missed a chance to point out how much of a loser he was, even if it was his fault that Seb had been fired in the supermarket. Another truth he couldn't tell anyone. It would make Mark look bad and that's what he was always doing anyway if Mark's allegations were anything to go by.

“Oh no, my poor baby, do you need money?” his grandmother stepped in immediately.

“No, it's fine really.” Seb tried to sound reassuring.

“Nah, it isn't stop lying to me! You know I will help you out. I will sent you some money tomorrow. Don't worry. I don't want my baby to starve.” she tutted, hearing Seb sigh.

“Thank you grandma.” Seb mumbled embarassed.

 

He never asked for money straight away, not after his grandma had to pay his debts last year, but still here he was, only 20 years old and getting money from his grandma every month. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep it for long. Mark would take it away from him if he even thought about spending it on anything for himself. Most of the money was either eaten up by bills he had to pay or for food. It weren't his bills nor his food but he just closed his eyes. He owed this to Mark, he had to pay to make him happy and life a little easier, if not for Mark then at least for himself.

 

“I really need to go now.” Seb said sadly, watching time pass by on the kitchen clock.

“Okay, but don't forget to call back as soon as the letter arrives.” she reminded him. Seb found himself noding even though she couldn't see him.

“Will do.” he promised, not even sure if he would be able to.

“Have a good day lad. I love you.” Seb bit down hard on his lip to keep it from trembling.

“Bye.” he whispered and pressed the red button to end the call sighing. It was just a matter of minutes before Mark would be in. His thoughts wandered back to the young man who had just moved into the flat opposite theirs. Hopefully he wasn't a noisy type or observet as some other people in the block. Seb knew there was a Finn living a couple of doors down the hallway with blonde hair. He had moved in at the end of september last year. He was quite a character who liked to throw his door shut and caused more trouble then he was aware of.

Mark hated to be awoken by thrown doors, specially when he had just fallen asleep after his night shift. If that was the case Seb could always count the seconds until his pissed off mood switched into pure anger.

But Seb wasn't angry with the guy neither with his bad habit, indeed he envied him. He seemed to work out very hard, all broad wide shoulders, huge rip cage and big calves. He would knock the wind out of Mark with just a pinch of his little finger. When things started to get worse, Seb tried to imagine he would be wrapped up in those protective arms just to give his mind a place to escape to.

He had spent hours at the window watching the Finn come and go and that was the reason why he wasn't allowed near the window anymore. The key in the lock of the flat made Sebastian jump and he drowned his glass of water in an instant.

“SEBASTIAN!” Mark was heard.

“I'm here.” he replied silently, rushing into the hallway to get smacked in the face by Mark's heavy jacket.

“Put it away. Come on! You had enough time sitting on your worthless ass for the day!” Sebastian nodded, biting his lip, his mind was already wandering away from him.

 

* * *

 

 

Kimi sat on his couch scanning through files for his meeting with Mr. Button tomorrow and flinchd at the sudden shout. Whoever Sebastian was, he obviously was in for some trouble. Kimi sighed and kept on reading. The block seemed to be made out of paper. At least he knew he had to keep the noise down and Kimi wasn't one to judge quickly, maybe the guy who just screamed for Sebastian was simply having a shit day.

“Would I shout at someone when having a shit day?” Kimi asked himself aloud frowning. The question in itself seemed stupid, why did he even bother. He had no idea what that entire thing was about and apart from one call it was silent again. Kimi shrugged, turning to the next page.

 


	4. meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi is going to the factory for his meeting but it won't be the last of the day.

**fear [** **noun]** _a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid._

 

 

_"Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.” (W. Clement Stone)_

 

* * *

 

The next morning arrived way too quickly for Kimi's liking. His alarm going off for his meeting in the Ferrari factory despite him not having slept much. He was knackered to the bones.

The cold shower wasn't helping matters as he sat down at his kitchen table nursing a mug of coffee, blinking into the dimlight from the car park in front of the house. It was short after 6ish and he felt dead to the world. The night was still lingering around outside as he crossed the way to the bus stop. He hated public transport and kept glancing around nervously. Thankfully. Ferrari would give him a company car soon enough, he just had to get the meeting with Mr. Button over and done with and would be driving back home in no time.

Slowly making his way through the city he was relieved to find the bus almost empty. No one was bothering him and a bit it felt like back home in Helsinki. The last thing he needed now would be a grandma babbling away at him. He watched the destinations pass by counting down the stops until he could get off and was relieved to finally push the stop button and exit the overheated vehicle.

The factory wasn't less impressing than the dealership had been, the horse on display reflecting on the yellow background against the red tiles that littered along the big windows of the lobby.

Ferrari, a show off brand worldwide. Kimi sighed, an uneasy feeling nagging away at him at the distant memory of the day of the robbery. Kimi rubbed his tired eyes and aching temples before admitting defeat and entering the building.

“Good morning. “ the receptionist greeted him friendly, her smile almost splitting her face ahalf. Kimi nodded and showed his appointment note. He didn't want to be unfriendly so he forced a small raspy morning past the lump in his throat.

“Ah Kimi, Jenson is already waiting for you, take a seat over there, he should be down in a minute.” If she was offended by him, she didn't show it so Kimi shrugged off the matter and dropped into the red fluffy cocktail chair that was scattered around an expensive looking wooden table in the hospitality area.

 

 

It took less than 10 minutes for Jenson to emerge from the elevator with a wide smile on hi face. He greeted Kimi warmly, walking him back to his office doing small talk. He had read the Finns CV with caution and wasn't surprised to get short answers. He knew about his condition after all.

After running through the details with him, he sat back taking a sip from his coffee, seeing Kimi more wake fiddling with the empty cup in his hand

“I think you'll fit into the team perfectly. I never doubted it in the first place. So if you want I can show you around the factory and introduce you to your new garage team.” Jenson offered, getting a confirming nod as he shoved the staff pass over to Kimi to grand him access to all areas.

“Make sure to bring your card every moning, you need it to unlock the security passages. Otherwise you are a bit well fucked.” Jenson laughed, seeing the corner of Kimi's lip lift slightly.

“Will do.” he replied as he followed Jenson around the factory. Thankfully, he would be working away from prying eyes and on his own for most of the time. They trusted Kimi with that, knowing he was more than just a simple engineer. Nevertheless Jenson underlined again that he could come and talk to him or everybody else if there should be any difficulties or he would need any help. Kimi dismissed it with a shrug eyeing his new “office”.

“So of course you are not going to get here by public transport.” Jenson smirked as he opened the gate to the actual garage were Kimi's new team was waiting to meet him, standing proudly next to a brand new Ferrari 488 GTB.He was speechless, his mouth forming a little O in astonishment.

“Do you like it or should we get you something else?” Jenson asked, trying to read his employees expression. Still in shock Kimi managed a thumbs up. That was a hell of a car, he hadn't been expected to be allowed to drive the new queen of their range out of all cars available.

“Ok so, Kevin! Keys!” Jenson instructed and the Dane on the left who was heavily littered in tattoos stepped forward and handed Kimi the keys to the car with a big grin.

“Enjoy your ride Mr. Räikkönen.”

“Thank you.” Kimi croaked, his eyes still fixed on the car as he allowed a big smile to appear on his face. The boys in the garage applauded and laughed as Kimi unlocked the car and dropped into the drivers seat, his fingers running over the steering wheel mouthing an inauduble Wow as his fingertips came in contact with the expensive leather interior.

“See you tomorrow Kimi.” Jenson grinned as one of the mechanics opened the gate of the factory garage.

Kimi gave Jenson a short wave as Kevin leaned over and explained a few necessary buttons on the steering wheel.

“We got you a racing steering wheel, but if you don't like it, we can give you a normal one.”

“Is ok.” Kimi said, still overwhelmed as Kevin kept ranting about the necessary of shifting without gear stick.

“So go and take her for a ride. There's a highway on the way back, you can use. We'll see you tomorrow Mr. Räikkönen, hoping the police haven't caught you, but just show your Ferrari pass and things should be fine. Jenson will call it a test drive.” Kevin smiled, closing the drivers door for him. Hesitantly Kimi pushed the power button, hearing the engine fire off with an animalistic sound that made his blood boil.

He was used to Ferrari's but driving this one on a daily basis was more than a gift to him. After the entire drama that happened back in Helsinki it almost felt like an honour to still be valued in the factory.

Steering the shiny red car out of the garage he followed Kevin's instructions and was off and away on the motorway, the horsepower speeding him along. A little laugh escaped him as he felt the adrenalin rushing through his veins with every more mile per hour on the speedometer and the tyres eating the asphalt inch by inch.

He took his time testing the car and pushing his limit's before he finally steered it back to his appartment complex. Thankfully their car park had security so he didn't need to worry about someone stealing it.

 

 

Kimi pulled into the parking lot with a smile and stayed put for a few more moments trying to hush his breathing down and waited for the excitement to fade from his system. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, tempted to tell James and Niki before deciding against it. He could ask one of the boys at the factory to snap an image tomorrow. Still smiling, Kimi grabbed his stuff and left the car, locking it and makng sure it was safe before toddling over to the stairs of the entry.

A young blonde boy just emerged from the doors, struggling with a bag of garbage and his key that dropped to the floor. He had trouble to keep his hold on the bag and get the key back without dropping either one of the items for a second time. Kimi kneeled down beside him and got him the key.

“There you go.” he offered. He had no idea why he had chosen to talk to him but he looked really miserable, his eyes bloodshot and darting around nervously.

“Thank you.” was whispered so silently Kimi almost missed it as Sebastian shuffled forward, unable to contain his hold on the key as it shattered to the floor a second time. Kimi watched the misery before approaching him again. He picked up the keys again deciding there and then that he could also find out where to put his trash as he offered his help to the young lad who shook his head rapidly. Kimi sighed.

“Ok, going to open the door for you.” Kimi said and walked on with him to the fence area behind the appartment block. The boy bowed his head, throwing fearfull glances back at the building as Kimi hold the gate open for him to bin the bag of garbage, before locking it again and handing the key back over.

“Thank you.” Sebastian mumbled, his eyes not locking gaze with Kimi but kept wandering over the windows of the second floor, desperately searching for a glimpse that indicated Mark had seen him.

“I'm Kimi. Was nice meeting you.” Kimi offered his hand, wondering why his opposite seemed so withdrawn.

“Sebastian.” he mumbled covering his mouth as he spoke, before rushing back in. Kimi was left staring after him. What a weird meeting that been, he wasn't the most social person himself but that young lad was even casting shadows on Kimi letting him look like a talktive bastard.

 

 

Sebastian didn't wait for the elevator but struggled up the stairs in a hast to get back inside. He was only allowed to go out and take Mark's key when Mark was in and he praid to all god's he could remember that the Australian was still fast asleep. He struggled to unlock the front door with his shaking hands, trying his best to not make any noise but obviously failed because as soon as he closed the door, he was meet with Mark standing in the hall, glaring at him with blazing eyes.

Sebastian gasped and pressed himself back against the door. He was sure Mark had seen him, if he was already waiting for him, he must have seen him talking to Kimi.

“Sebastian.” Mark snarled in a low but powerful voice.

“I swear, I didn't do anything.” he sobbed before the question had left Mark's lips. “I didn't...I really didn't do anything.” he pleaded his hands covering his face in fear, waiting for the blow that didn't come.

“Fucking kiddo, where's my fucking coffee and where the fuck have you been!” Mark shouted, approaching him like a predator.

“Trash, have taken out...” he mumbled with his eyes pressed close, the words died on his lips as Mark slapt him across the face.

“I don't even fucking care, you useless piece of shit. I woke up and there wasn't any coffee. You are good for nothing! What have you been doing for the most of the day. Just look at that fucking mess of a flat.” Mark shouted, indicating the jacket that had dropped to the floor sometime during the night because the material wasn't supported enough by the way too small hook. Sebastian swallowed thickly unable to answer. If Mark knew he had only woken up half an hour ago the outcome would be even more of a disaster.

Sebastian dropped to his knees gathering up the jacket to put it back on the hook, his cheek still stung from the slap he received.

“I'm making coffee ...will now.” he said in a fearful whisper.

“Too fucking late, mate. Already did it myself. You are so fucking useless how can anyone except me even put up with you!” he hissed as he stalked back into their bed room to get dressed. Sebastian swallowed hard to keep the tears at bay. Maybe Mark was right. If he would have woken up earlier, Mark wouldn't be so angry. If he just got his shit together earlier, everything would be ready already.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry people I will have to set this story on ice, It got too much for me to deal with. I'm not sure when I can update or even work on it for that matter again. It simply is too much of a hot topic for me to deal with currently. I'm sorry for letting you down, I hope you do understand.   
> Thanks for all your love and support so far.


	5. Holding my last breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are eyes everywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get a bit out, which you are about to read. I highly apologize for some typos that might meet your sight but I couldn't re-read that again for personal reasons. I just wanted to leave a warning that the upcoming part features some graphical violence, high violence scenes.
> 
> If you are sensitive please take care or stop reading.  
> I just feel the need to say again that I highly respect Mark Webber in Real Life and I know that he is nothing as this character in this story. I'm sorry for making him like that but someone needs to be the bad guy  
> Just know I like Mark lot's - he's my idol, a very honest man, a fair mate. He is nothing like the person I describe in this story.  
> Thank you. I better stop rambling now.

Heikki had finally succeeded in extracting himself from the comfortable hug of his blanket and pillow around lunch time. It's been a lazy morning sleep in, since he had a day off but he hardly had a chance to savour it, hearing the couple down the corridor already yelling at each other again. Or more like he heard Mark loud and clear. Groaning he decided he could also leave and spent some time in the gym nevertheless. As he got out of a refreshing shower his plans were shortened by his ringing cellphone, so Heikki answered the flashing annyoing face of his best friend and toddled over into his kitchenette to produce some coffee.

“Tommi! Hei Hei.” he greeted him, balancing his favourite coffee mug carefully out of the cabinet in the process.

“Moi Heikki, long time no see.” the guy chuckled at the other end.

“Yes, seems like yesterday that I said goodbye to you, when you went to Hawaii.” Heikki laughed with obvious sarcasm, knowing pretty well it would make Tommi groan. The sound of disappointment wasn't hold back.

“I knew you would make me pay for not inviting you over.” he grunted.

“At least I didn't miss that much of the usual haven't I? Or was the fish so good that you didn't need the shagging.” Heikki teased.

“Not that bad. Not that bad.” Tommi laughed, filling him in on the happenings of his trip with his icehockey team and listening to Heikki rant about the new people in the house.

“...you know I'm afraid more and more Finns are moving over here. I can already see us wrestling for the best spot at the lake.” Heikki said as a loud smash interupted him.

“What was that?” Tommi asked immidiately, sensing danger for his friend.

“I don't know.” Heikki hesitated. Another bang followed his words. “I might as well go and investigate.” Heikki mumbled, curious to find out what was happening and also a little worried about what he would find.

“If you think so, but please take care.” Tommi mumbled concerned.

“I will Tommi, I will. No worries.” Heikki soothed and disconnected the call as he quickly tied his running shoes and took his key from the board to walk down the corridor in search of the noise. He had pressed the emergency number already just in case but the call wasn't connected yet. Heikki didn't know what would meet his gaze.

 

 

Sebastian was still terrified as he watched Mark dressing himself and  lighting a cigarette before he walked into their kitchen to fetch his coffee. Seb's cheek still stung and he tried to hold back the sob that was tightening his throat. Defeated he walked into the living room and set up to fix the rest of Mark's usual essentials for work. The fear lingering on his mind as Mark walked past him to flop onto the sofa and flicker on the television. He was just about to put the key and airport access card on top of the pile of Mark's stuff as the phone buzzed. Seb froze. His cellphone usually never made a sound, after all there was no one texting him and Mark had deleted all contacts in one of his rages. Sebastian saw Mark grabbing for his own device, relief flooding him that maybe he had imagined things and it had been indeed Mark's phone but the relief was cut short as anger clouded Mark's face, making him leap up from the sofa and over to Sebastian so quickly, he hardly could proceed what was happening. Before he knew it, Mark had grabbed him around the throat and seized him up against the white living room wall, his hazel eyes dark with hatred boring into every fiber of Seb's being and the hand around his throat closing in. Seb couldn't help as panic spread through him with his cut down oxygen supply and started kicking out with his legs in every direction, hitting the wall and Mark's shin but to no avail.

“You cheating piece of shit, I knew it! I fucking knew it!” Mark spat into his face, voice booming.

“For all this time I'm putting up with your filthy mouth and your worthless dumb as fuck answers, you go bitching behind my back. Since when? Huh? Did you think I wouldn't notice?”

“Ma...rk.” Seb screeched, his voice all thin and almost gone. Face all red with tears pouring from his eyes. He had no idea what had happened to get Mark back on this train of thought again. It wasn't anything new to begin with, but usually Mark would get one of his jealous fits after a meeting with Fernando.

“I...I did...” Seb was coughing heavily, there hardly was enough air getting into his lungs and his nose started to block up from all the tears.

“Oh YOU FUCKING ADMIT, YOU HAVE THE FUCKING GUTS TO EVEN ADMIT TO WHAT I WAS JUST TOLD!” Mark screamed in anger, landing the first blow on Sebastians face who tried to yell out in pain.

Oh god what was it this time?

What had he done wrong again?

Seb had no idea and it was hard to think with Mark attacking him out of his mind. Seb's hand tried to raise his hands away, but he had no power, colored dots were starting to obscure his vision and Mark's yelling drowned into a loud noise.

“YOU THOUGHT NO ONE WOULD TELL ME! TOO BAD SWEETYHEART THAT MY FRIEND SAW YOU MAKING OUT WITH SOME FUCKING STRANGE GUY AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE! WHICHEVER RETARD YOU MANAGED TO PERSUADE, HE MUST HAVE LIKED TO DO YOU AT THE TRASH! YEAH THATS WHAT YOU ARE!” Mark yelled, kicking Sebastian over an over who could barely whimper at the impact.

Someone had seen him talking to Kimi, someone had told Mark. That was the only explanation that there was.

Mark had let go of his throat for now, but Seb could already feel the bruises coming up. He curled up into a ball, trying to give no room for further attacks as Mark kept on betitling him.

“Just look at you, you pathetic waste of space! I bet you fucking enjoyed it having a cock up your worthless ass, don't you? Was he any good? Were you a good boy for him you filthy little slut? You fucking cock craving shit! I should kick you out. You hurt my honour, your actions hurt my family. Everyone wil talk about me dating a fucking cockslut and there is just you to blame, you needy worthles piece of crap! After all I did for you, after all I paid for you, I gave you a home, I gave you my food, I gave you my time. And you never returned aything!”

“I wasn't, I wasn't. I didn't do.” Seb cried silently, whispering the phrases over and over. He hadn't touched Kimi, he barely even said a word to him. Whoever had seen him was making up these things. He didn't cheat, he never had

“Get out! Get out of my fucking eyes!” Mark spat, kicking him again, his foot connecting with Seb's temple making his head spin and the nausea rise. Seb stumbled onto all fours, dragging himself half blind into the still dark bedroom and onto the bed. Pain was raging all through his body and his head was spinning out of control, he thought he could have heard angels sing if he concentrated hard enough.

Was he on the bed, or under the bed or next to it?

Was he upside down?

Was he even alive?

Was this just a dream? Surely this wouldn't be happening, this couldn't be happening, not to him.

But even as he rolled up in a ball on the bed, Mark obviously wasn't done with him yet. He heard him yelling in the living room, kicking things around, maybe he was messaging his friend. It was less than 2 minutes but one thing Seb caught for sure:

“...I'm not coming in tonight, family emergency.” Mark had called work and this meant, he wasn't going anywhere tonight, which meant he hadn't heard the end of that yet.

Horror of the awaiting torture made Seb go all cold and numb.

Sebastian was aching all over, praying sleep to come, trying not to make any sound even if he wanted to sigh and cry loudly, but the tears just soaked the fabric of the pillow silently before footsteps drew closer again.

The darkness was lurking behind him, Seb knew this and he was begging it to come before the footsteps would stop but it wouldn't be so nice. Darkness never came when he wanted it to be there.

Marks hand in his hair dragged him up like a rag doll as the shouting of abuse continued and the blows rained down on him. On his hips, on his chest, on his sides, on his arms, on his head, everywhere. Over and over and over again. Sebastian tried to kick out, tried to defend himself but all it did was making Mark hitting him even harder, dragging him across the bed, pinning him down with his entire weight and his hands back on Seb's throat pressing in, while his knees pressed into Sebs upper arms to keep him from hitting out. The fingernails pressing sharply onto his adams apple, almost drawing blood.

 

“I said get out! Get up and take your stuff.” Mark demanded but wasn't moving off of him. He didn't make any sense and Seb couldn't proceed his words as bile burned up his throat making him gasp and choke desperately. The dots and the ache behind his forehead had returned and increased, he wasn't seeing anything anymore. There was just Mark's voice, Marks hands pressing the life out of him, Mark's weight on him and the cheer panic inside of him.

His eyes were unfocused and blown out wide. He couldn't kick out any longer, was hanging onto every tiny bit of oxygen he could press past the vice-like grip, wishing this to be over, he even wished he would die. Why didn't Mark just end that entire ordeal? He wanted it to end. He wanted a way out. He didn't want to live that life any longer. In a sing song voice that never aired Seb chanted in the mess of his head all over: Please let me die, please!

“Ju..t ….do....kill.” Seb's raspy voice tried to say. He wanted to scream it back at Mark. His eyes felt like they would pop out of their sockets any second and he couldn't pinpoint where he was or if he was lying or standing or upside down. He just felt himself falling rapidly and his head making contact with a cold stony surface. There was the faint bang of a door but Seb wasn't sure. He was still gasping for air. Not sure if Mark was gone or where he was or what was happening. He couldn't move, couldn't think just gasp, his own hands pulling at his blocked up throat. He needed air, he needed to breathe but it wouldn't work.

Fear was blocking his head and the tension in his body mounted over the limit he could cope with, sending him into unconsciousness.

 

 


	6. How far can you walk

Heikki was staring up and down the staircase to his left, to check up, not seeing anything before turning, to walk down the barely lit corridor, that connected their appartments with the elevators. The window at the other end, wasn't big enough to light up much more than the outlines of the ugly yellow doors. Walking further down quickly, his stomach started doing somersaults. He didn't know why, but he had a bad feeling. Halfway down to the elevators, when he had just passed the flat of that new guy ad fellow Finn, who had moved in, the shadows revealed a pair of feet, motionless on the floor and Heikki rushed forwards to the figure curled up against the cold wall.

 

“Oh fuck!” Heikki cursed, reaching for the small hand and wrapping his fingers around the almost child like wrist to check the pulse.

He watched the seconds pass by on his wristwatch, counting silently. It was there, strong but fluttery. Heikki bent over trying to see the face, that was hidden in a heap of arms and curled up limps. Now that his eyes were adjusting to the semi darkness, he could make out the dirty blonde hair covering a nasty swelling, before he recognized the young boy.

“Sebastian?” He tried waiting for the boy to stir but he didn't move. Heikki glanced over to the doorway opposite, it was the flat he shared with that strange dark haired Australian. Pondering his options, Heikki decided to not ring the door, because he had the bad feeling that certain Australian was to blame for the state of the boy. It wouldn't be the first time. Heikki thought back to all the other times he had come home to an argument making a live action scene that any cinema would be jealous of out of their hallway, if the volume of Mark's voice was anything to go by and it always took about 3 days before he sometimes saw Sebastian taking the trash out, with new bruises mysteriously blooming all over his slender body, refusing to talk or look at anyone.

He didn't want to cause a fuss in the hallway either, but knew for sure that he had to help.

 

 

“Seb, come on.” Heikki tried again. The young boy whimpered silently as Heikki scooped him up in is arms, but didn't open his eyes. With his lips pressed in a grim line, Heikki made his way back to his own apartment, opening the door carefully before putting Sebastian down on the sofa and kicking the front door shut as he went. Now with the full light on and without the distracting shadows, the full damage surfaced and made Heikki flinch.

The little blonde boy looked horrible and no matter how much protest he would be facing, but he definitely needed a professional check up.

He dialed for the paramedics main station and ordered a doctor quickly, hoping Seb would be around by the time he arrived and wishing at the same time he wouldn't just to not have to see him in pain, as evil as it sounded genuine. At least his breathing was half way even so Heikki assumed he had just passed out from his injuries.

The Finn dashed over into the kitchen, getting a glass and a bottle of water, setting it down on the coffee table, before wetting a flannel in the bathroom as he started to clean up Sebastian's face as gently as possible. There was blood in his hair, down his noise and lip. Red rivulets splitting his innocence like the shards of a broken mirror puzzled on the floor.

It was a devastating image that made Heikki's blood boil. He hasn't really talked that much to the kid before, not that he didn't had a go, he was aware of all those weeks Seb's eyes had followed him when he had run his errands and went about his usual routine. It hadn't taken him that long to caught a glimpse of him hiding behind the curtains of the window in the 2nd floor and by that time he was sincerely a little freaked out and felt stalked but soon learned that Seb was no danger at all. He was more like a scared kid, watching out miserably with pleading eyes for adults to take care and fix his life for him – anything.

But nothing in this world justified such a treatment and hurt to be inflicted on someone.

As he cleaned up his nose, his eyes started to flutter open and Sebastian gasped and retreated further back into the cushions, covering his face with his bruised arms and whimpered almost inaudible.

“It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help you.” Heikki soothed and waited patiently for Sebastian to take his hands down once more. He peeked out from where he was hiding behind his hands, vision all unfocused, probably also blurry, if he could see anything at all with that growing bruise. The whimpering noise was all he could string together obviously, apart form his raged breathing as the doorbell went.

If he was scared before, he was panicked now, his eyes rooming around Heikki's apartment to find a place to hide.

 

_Mark had come to get him, he was there! He would get the worst of the worst for even existing, for being in someone others place, for not having come crawling back, which he never did, but Mark made it feel like it, when he dragged him back into the 4 walls of hell._

 

Sebastian was sure of it.

The blonde strong guy he had admired for weeks, nothing more than a traitor. The white noise in his ears got louder as Sebastian curled up in himself further.

 

“Oh Jesus fuck!. Okay, buddy hang on. This is just the doc, okay?” Heikki soothed with his palms upright before rushing to the front door, peeking out of the peephole just to make sure and letting the doctor in. He was more relieved then ever to not face the Australian, the poor guy probably was expecting.

“Good evening, I'm doctor Kontsas, Antti Kontsas. You called?” the young guy, shook Heikki's hand, eyeing him with a raised eyebrow, already checking him over, assessing the situation.

“Yeah, it's not about me obviously.” Heikki said and couldn't help but smile sadly as he lead him through. The doctor was well trained and tanned like a bitch and if Heikki racked his brain hard enough, he was sure he had seen him at work some other day. Also that accent was way too familiar, his mind came up with a scene from sauna but he pushed it down, the moment it surfaced, there were other problems at hand right now.

Seb was still too weak to get up and had remained on the sofa, despite his best efforts which only resulted in sending him back into unconsciousness.

 

 

Heikki was shifting from foot to foot, trying to explain what little he knew about the situation at all, after Dr. Kontsas had at first glared at him, probably suspecting Heikki to be the guy in question for it.

He had never in his life felt that bad at the pure imagination. He just wanted to stomp down the aisle and choke that motherfucker who was to blame, until he was all green and purple and dead. He wouldn't even care. Heikki was silently raging, while Dr. Kontsas was attending to Sebastian, who woke up in the middle of it all still scared but relented pretty quickly to his fate.

Of course he pulled the “I had fallen down the stairs.” excuse, which only got him a blank stare by Dr. Kontsas and a raised eyebrow.

“Your mother crashed down the stairs!” Heikki muttered to himself. As painful as it was, the fake excuses and apologies seemed to be all Seb could come up with, after his eyebrow and the cut in his hairline was stitched up, Heikki failed to recall, which body part of the poor boy actually was not wrapped up in gauze or plastered with tape or a band aid for that matter.

“You should put ice on your shoulder and eye.” Dr. Kontsas spoke and frowned. He rather would have Sebastian admitted to a hospital but he refused, no matter how he phrased the question, there was no way at all and he couldn't admit him without his consent.

“Also try to stay awake and drink a lot. If you get nausea or dizziness you need to go to the ER this time, otherwise please visit your local doc first thing tomorrow morning, in case of concussion.” Antti, said, feeling stupid, sure as fuck the guy had a severe concussion, but he couldn't do any more without crossing boundaries. Seb flickered his thumb up, putting up a non convincing smile.

“Would you keep an eye on him? He should at least stay up for another 4 hours, if anything occurs or changes, ring the ambulance straight away.” Antti advised Heikki who nodded his approval.

“Sure.” He sighed, seeing Antti out who left his card behind and made Heikki sign some papers, since Seb was in no condition to ign himself, with the painkillers he had gotten injected straight away and his rigth hand bandaged up.

“Maybe you should also see the police, with the papers. His hand is really bad banged up and I would bet that he at least has some rib issues for the next week.” Antti tipped his biro on the papers in Heikki's hand with a sad smile.

“Will try to convince him.” Heikki promised, knowing fully well it was unlikely. He watched Dr. Kontsas shoulder his backpack before he left and rushed down to is next patient.

Damn, he really had a nice ass, but no hitting material, not for now at least. Now his life was narrowed down to look after that stubborn boy on his couch, that was scared like a run down rabbit and in need of a hospital stay.

 

 

What had he gotten himself into?

The promise he once made, when he found Seb staring after him, was to not get involved in any drama, but yet here he was, in the middle of that shit storm.

“I need Vodka!” Heikki muttered to himself, dashing into the kitchen and knocking one off right away, before switching to Red Bull. The scent of alcohol might freak Sebastian out if he noticed.

Before he walked back to join his guest and keep watch.

 


	7. Note

I don't know who is still following this but if you do I wanna apologize for keeping you waiting. 

It took me a long time to come to terms with this fic and what to do with it. In the past more than once I thought about deleting it but then again it deserves to stay.

I once swore to not abandon an already posted fic and I hated myself for considering it. I kept the tab open in the hope to find the strength to come back to it one day.

But some of you might have noticed how I started to separate from Formula 1 with the death of Jules Bianchi. You might have seen me on Tumblr moving on to another sports fandom, falling in love with another OTP.

But it wasn't just Jules passing that made me distant. Neither my switching opinion on Vettel or my turning view on Heikki to a hockey player only POV. Sure all of those little things slowly added to the mix of parting ways with my latest work in Formula 1 RPF.

But the main reason I choose to close this tab is a personal one. I started writing this in the hope of a therapeutic effect for myself- hoping by creating a positive helpful environment for the victim I would find closure with everything that happened because back then in those 8 years of living hell I never had a Heikki or anyone who cared. It was just in my head, me wishing for someone to come save me - indeed writing about it just turned out the other way. I realized as much as I wanted to tell MY STORY I soon couldn't cope. I was bound to a mute button I couldn't proceed. My PTSD is a motherfucking bitch and even though speaking up about it might help to get the devil to sleep - the devil fights back even harder. Writing this story just made me feel bad like really bad to the point that the past was so vivid making me highly suicidal, again. But I kept on hoping to move on. To tell more than just these covered snippets of what happened to me.

As of today that hope died a little slow painful death. I'm not one for drama or personal rants on behalf of my readers/reviewers - Long story short I was assaulted in public by a stranger today and living through the aftermath right now with all its fear, flashbacks and feelings I realized that I'm not yet strong enough to tackle the monster. That I still have a long road of recovery to go because it set me back big time.

I'm sorry for keeping your hopes up all this time but for now consider this story a ripped closed book.

Thank you for your understanding.


End file.
